Unfiltered Q&A Blog

Hello beautiful people! I’m coming off a very unintended blogging pause due to life—lifing’.

But through it all, God has kept me, and for that I’m thankful. I’m always excited to get back to writing and sharing with you all.

I loved the responses, questions, and topics for blogs that I got on the new q&a tab and wanted to keep that going. You just never know who you’ll help by asking a question or submitting a topic that other people can relate to. As previously stated, ALL q&a topics and questions are anonymous by default unless you state otherwise. I think most of us will be able to relate today’s q&a submitted by a beautiful sister and friend to the community. Let’s get to it!

Unfiltered Q&A: “I’m feeling fatigued and frustrated by giving more than what I receive from others, and I don’t want to shut down. What should I do?”

First, please forgive my delay in getting this blog post up, but thanks so much for submitting a question and topic that I know so many of us can relate to. I know I’ve personally been there a time or two, or three. It’s not a good place, being overused and under replenished. We hear it time and time again the “you can’t pour from an empty cup” or “you have to put your oxygen mask on first” and it all sounds great until you’re put yet again into another situation and opt to overextend yourself for the sake of everyone else’s happiness, but to your own detriment in many ways.

 But the good news is, you can decide to do things differently. Anything you must do for others at the expense of depleting yourself, is doing too much. Now this is by no means saying do nothing for no one, but rather, take inventory of who you’re doing things for, what you’re doing for them, and how frequently they need you, and vice versa.

If it’s someone who’s asking for things every once and a while, but in return they are there to lend a helping hand when you need them, I would consider this a well-balanced relationship.

 But on the other end of the spectrum, unbalanced relationships are those where you’re doing all the output, and receiving little to no input, be it physically, mentally, or spiritually.

A scenario where the relationship is very one-sided might involve you always being the one to help, but when you need help, the person who you’ve always helped isn’t there to help you. You need to have system balancing within the scope of relationships to maintain the health of those relationships, otherwise we leave the door open for the growth of an unhealthy relationship.

Here are the 5 things that REALLY helped me in this area:

1.     Putting an end to unhealthy relationships. Longevity is not an all-access pass, biology is not an all-access pass, history is not an all access-pass. If the relationship (romantic, platonic, familial, professional etc.) is unhealthy you must put an end to it. An end can be a new beginning where you do things and interact differently, or the end can be the end until or unless there is changed behavior.

2.     Learning to say no. Is this my favorite? I don’t know but it’s top 3. Learning to say no was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Suddenly the pressure of needing to be everywhere with everyone and doing everything, just stops when you utter one small two letter word, no. It’s a complete sentence. I know it may seem unnerving at first, and you will always want to add an explanation behind it, and that’s okay. If you need to explain, explain, but don’t allow your explanation to dissuade you from standing firm on your no. No, is one of those things that the more you use it, the better you get at using it. Another way of saying no- because I will always have a backup plan for you, is simply “I can’t”, “I’m sorry I won’t be able to”, “I already have plans”, “I’m not able to this time”, get my drift? Whatever way works best for you, just learn to say no, when you need to say no.  

3.     Prioritizing your well-being (mental, physical, spiritual). Getting into your own routines and regimens and not allowing that to be easily disrupted is key. Always give yourself permission and grace to do what is best for yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually.

4.     Power of the pause button. Okay this is another top 3 for me, because learning to push the pause button when you need to, is top tier. The pause button just means giving yourself a breather, whether it’s for a day, a week, a month etc. When you push the pause, you must give yourself that break you need. Do not allow anything other than the stuff you must deal with, to overwhelm you. You can let those close to you know when you’re taking a pause as well. Something like “Hey, life is lifing’ right now, and I need to take a step back to deal, so unless it’s of the utmost urgency, I’ll be less accessible until further notice, thank you in advance for your understanding.”

5.     Setting boundaries and rules for yourself and your relationship with others. I think this one speaks for itself, but establishing your own set of rules is a game changer. I recommend sitting down when you have time and writing down your rules and expectations when dealing with others. Now I’m not suggesting you give others your list of rules. However, rules for yourself, to keep yourself accountable on what is and is not acceptable, this will help you to healthily navigate relationships.

When faced with situations involving others that can be counterproductive to your growth and overall well-being remember the acronyms “BAE” and “SAFE”.

“B.A.E.” Boundaries Are Essential.  

“S.A.F.E.” Standards Are For Everyone.

When you continuously get in the habit of going out on the limb, that branch is eventually bound to break. The unfiltered truth is too many people are comfortable putting others in a position to be uncomfortable and that’s a problem, but you don’t have to allow that to become your problem.Remember being everything for everyone leaves little to no room for self. You can be a super-woman without feeling the need to be superhuman. We all need rest, we all need to unplug, we all need to recharge.

You can feel for people, without feeling the need to put yourself at a disadvantage to “save” the day. If they are in constant need of saving, I recommend directing them to The Savior (Jesus), seriously. Always remember we get one life to live. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you, reciprocate your love and kindness, and respect your boundaries.    

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