Unfiltered Q&A
Hello beautiful people, I know it’s been a minute. Life is life… but I’m back and ready to unpack all the things, unfiltered.
Recently I posted about a new tab on the blog, Unfiltered Q&A, where you can ask me anything, and I’ll respond either via blog post, another social media conduit, or via direct message. If your question prompts me to write a blog on the topic, you will have anonymity by default unless you’d like a shout out on the blog, whatever works for you, works for me in that regard.
Today’s blog has been prompted by one of my beautiful blog supporters, who’s honestly been a day 1, so shout out to you dear. I appreciate you more than you know. It’s women like you who keep me inspired to keep writing. Let’s get to your question!
Unfiltered Q&A: “Tools for newlyweds: I’m not as affectionate (physical touch) as my husband and that bothers him.”
First, congratulations to you on your marriage and union, I pray that God will bless you both and that this newfound ministry of marriage will not only bring you both closer together as you grow closer to God, but also inspire those around you.
Now, for my readers who don’t know where it says (physical touch) that is referring to a love language. If you aren’t familiar with The Five Love Languages, I would highly recommend it for both singles and couples. The languages break down how we give and receive love. There are books on the topic and there is a short quiz you can take online to find out what your love language is (I’ll include it at the end of this blog).
In a nutshell and in no specific order The Five Love Languages are:
1. Words of affirmation – loves to hear words spoken that affirm and encourage them.
2. Acts of service – actions speak louder than words (appreciate hands on help).
3. Receiving gifts – heartfelt gifts make them feel loved.
4. Quality time – needs time spent with undivided attention.
5. Physical touch – nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch.
Most people will have a primary and a secondary love language, which means you don’t have to zero in on just one, I recommend exploring both the primary and secondary to create a nice balance to giving and receiving love, but for the purpose of this question and blog post we’ll focus on the primary love language.
For starters most of the married women I know, including myself, have different love languages from our spouses. Personally, I LOVE having a different love language from my husband, it creates a balance for our home and marriage that work together perfectly. But it did take some adjusting and a lot of effort in the beginning before it started to flow seamlessly (aka) we got really fluent in speaking each other’s love languages.
So, I’m so happy to respond to this!
But before I get to the response, I want to pose a few questions that I want you and other readers experiencing anything similar, to ponder to yourself, maybe journal your thoughts, and spend some quiet time with God to address.
Sometimes we have barriers as women that we’ve built up overtime throughout childhood and younger adult years as a defense mechanism to protect ourselves, that can make us hesitant or even a little awkward when it comes to receiving and giving that physical affection/touch. Sometimes there are past relationships that were not healthy or loving that force some to grow more of a tough exterior as well to convince oneself that physical affection isn’t needed. Other times and often we as women don’t realize that our lack of that physical affection can stem from childhood too, from not receiving those hugs and kisses from our parents as children or not seeing your parents be affectionate with one another, so that creates a learning and exploratory curve for you in your own marriage. These are just a few examples of many as to why some just aren’t as enthusiastic about physical touch as a partner who may have not experienced any of these things. Also, there is always the male/female factor which isn’t always the case, but usually men are a lot more physical than women by nature. But I want you to ask yourself if any of the examples ring true for you? Or if you can think of any other reason or trauma that may hinder you from giving and receiving love via physical touch (or any of the other love languages)? Because if there is, I want you to identify it, because for things to be uprooted, we first must get to the root. If lack of physical touch (or insert any of the love languages here) is an affect, we must identify the cause and really begin to work through that either internally via self-work, with a spouse, with a therapist or coach, or finding help within your church home or local churches. I highly recommend taking it to God and really praying about being freed from whatever it may be that could be the cause of your reservations.
Okay, now let’s get to the good stuff! When you know your husband’s love language, oh girl, you have now unlocked a new level. Men need just as much love as us women, although sometimes they can be reluctant to admit. Lol But seriously, knowing how your spouse best receives love, puts you in the perfect position to give it to them generously. So how do you do it if it doesn’t come natural to you?
Just Do It…. Make like Nike, sis! Just do it! Think of it as a way of serving your husband, because in marriage both husband and wife are called to serve one another. Even if it doesn’t come naturally right now. Be consistent in your desire to show your husband love in the way that he best receives it, and I can assure you, that it will start to become so natural to you. For example, a hug and a kiss goodbye whenever he leaves the house and greeting him with the most welcoming hug and kiss every time he comes home. Us wives really set the tone for our homes. While you’re showing him love via physical touch, I just want you to pause and reflect and thank God for your husband. Another example is when you’re sitting next to each other on the couch or watching a movie or tv, cuddling, giving head and back rubs, massages etc… don’t take any of that time for granted. Life gets so busy! So, when you have a moment to just be with your spouse, embrace it, enjoy it, and bask in the love that you two share. Your spouse should be your safe place, so let loose and allow him to do the protecting, you don’t need to guard anything or hold anything back from him. If he’s always wanting to touch you, take it as a compliment, he literally can’t get enough of his wife. I mean girl… you are all that and a bag of chips plus tax, so I don’t blame the brother. Haha
But just know that you are loved, and so worthy of being loved, and if he is doing his job of telling you and showing you love, you should do the same as often as you can through speaking his love language. Being in the newlywed stage is beautiful, right now you guys are laying the foundation and setting the tone for your marriage, so keep that in mind. What do you want your marriage to look like a year from now? Five years from now? Ten years from now? Just do it… now! Remember this is your marriage, so what you may have seen or not have seen growing up doesn’t have to directly affect what you have with your husband. You can choose to do things differently.
I would recommend always being cognizant of your spouse’s desires and needs and working together to make sure both of you are giving and receiving on a consistent basis. This means checking in with each other. One thing my husband and I will do often is just check in. How am I doing? Is there anything I could be doing better? Can I be doing more or less of something? How can I better serve you? How can I help you? How can I make your life easier? Asking these questions from time to time will keep you both on the same page and keep you both in the spirit of wanting to do better and be better for each other. This will also be good checkpoints for you as you intentionally begin to speak more of your spouse’s love language.
I hope this blog has helped, thank you again for submitting such a good topic, as I know this is very common and will be helpful to other wives and future wives as well.
Love you all for reading and being a part of this unfiltered journey!
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
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